死 恐怖と言う名の幻想。心臓カテーテル手術 死と瞑想

Pocket

丁度、10年前に心筋梗塞を起こした。
その時は、
9日間入院して
心臓カテーテル治療(手術)を行い
無事退院したけれど、退院後に、
日常を過ごしていると,知らない間に、
私はいつ死ぬんだろう?
このまま死んでしまうんだな~

そのような世界の毎日だった。

ふと気が付くと、
死ぬことについての恐さの思考が止めどもなくやって来る、
冠婚葬祭の看板を見ると、
看板の文字が焼けにクッキリと見えたり、
火葬場の傍を通過するときは、
いつ、自分は焼かれるのだろうか?
等など . . . . .

そのような感じで
マインドが死の恐怖と不安に圧倒されていることが、
2年間ほど続いた。
2年間過ぎた当たりから、
徐々に死の恐怖に圧倒されることが少なくなって行った

其れから時は過ぎて丁度10年たった、

先日、他の理由から病院で心電図を取った時
ドクターに
心筋梗塞を経験してから10年経ったので、
その後の心臓の状態を調べる為に
検査入院してみたら良いよと、
勧められた、
私も少し気になることがあり
もう少し生きる必要性も感じていることから、
検査入院して心臓カテーテル検査を受けることにした。

心臓カテーテル検査とは、
カテーテルと呼ばれる細長い管を、
心臓に血液を供給している冠動脈の入り口まで、
X線モニター画面を見ながら通し、
冠動脈内に造影剤を流し込み、
そして、心臓を動かしている血管の状態をX線モニターをします。

検査と言えど、
内容は殆ど心臓カテーテル治療(手術)と同じことをします。
場合によっては死に至ることもあることを、
ドクターによって説明を受けました。

10年前に心臓カテーテル治療(手術)を行った後
2年間も恐怖に苛まれたので、
今回の検査では、
心して心臓カテーテルの検査を、
受けることにした。

ことがことだけに
病院に慣れるために、
検査の前日からの入院だったので、
自然と死のことを考えてしまう。
万一死ぬ様なことになっても後悔しない為に
OSHOの老子についての講話(Living TAO)を数時間聴くことにした。

いよいよ、その時がやって来た
手術台に横たわりカテーテル検査、
カテーテルを手首の動脈から挿入して行くんだが

なんだかやけにモタモタしているようす、
そこで、どうしたんですか?
と質問すると、
ドクター曰く

血管の中に入ったカテーテルが中を進んで行かないのです!
(私は)キタキタキタと言った感じ。

腕の部分の血管が緊張で収縮して硬く細くなっているので、
腕から先へカテーテルが心臓の方へ入っていかないのです、
腕から入れていたのを一旦抜いて、
肘からカテーテルを入れ直しても良いですか?

身体のあちこちに麻酔を打ったり、
動脈に穴をあけてカテーテルを入れて行くのは、
想像しただけでも気持が良いものではない。
しかし、
あれこれやっても血管にカテーテルが入っていかなく、
時間だけが経って行くのを
手術台に横たわったまま手をこまねいて黙って見ているのは、
精神的にもストレスになるので、

私は即座に「はいどうぞそうして下さい。」と返事した。
ドクターは、直ぐさま肘に局部麻酔を打ち、
肘からカテーテルを入れていく

時々カテーテルの先端の穴から、
血管の中に造影剤を注入する。

すると、モニター画面に血管の状態が、
ハッキリと映し出される仕組みに成っている、
血管が映し出されているモニター画面は、
私にも手術台から見ることが出来る。

ホッ!
ドクターは進行状況をイチイチ言わないが、
今度は、上手くいっている気配が伝わって来る
そうこうしている内に
ドクターと助手が何か血管の異常を発見したらしく
ボソボソと会話をしている。

ドクター曰く、
血管に詳しく調べたい箇所が出てきたので、
検査時間を延長しても良いですか?

今度は(ドキドキ)、、、何だろう?

カテーテル検査とは、
心臓を動かしている血管の異常を見つける為の検査なので、
多少の辛いことは我慢してしっかりと調べて欲しいと思い、
この時も「はいお願いします」と二つ返事で了承した。

この時点でトイレに行きたくなってきたのだが、
トイレは我慢することにした。

さもないと
検査を中断することになり、
カテーテルをまた最初から入れ直すことになり、
身体が持たなくなる。

よほど丁寧に検証しているのか、
随分と時間がかかったけど検査が終わったみたい、
検査が終わった時点で、ドクターに話しかけた。

血管の詰まり状況から見ると
間一髪で心筋梗塞に成らずに済んだようで良かったです。
有り難うございますと言ったら、

血管の状態が悪い箇所が2カ所見つかったので、
今度、日を新ためてカテーテル手術をする必要があります。
とのこと、

何はともあれ、前回のカテーテル治療を終えた後、
これから、何年生きられるかな?
と不安とともに思っていたが、
あれから、10年生き延びることが出来た。
10年もの間に沢山の感情のヒーリングとハート瞑想を試みた。
この10年の間に行った瞑想によって、
マインドが恐怖心や不安に入って行こうとする瞬間に気づくまでに、
気づきが深まっていることに
本当に感謝です!何はともあれ、前回のカテーテル手術を終えた後、
あと、何年生きられるかな?
と不安とともに思っていたが、
10年生き延びることが出来た。
10年もの間に沢山の感情のヒーリングとハート瞑想を試みた。
この10年の間に行った瞑想によって、
マインドが恐怖心や不安に入って行こうとする瞬間に気づいていられる、
こんなにも、気づきが深まっていることに
本当に感謝です!

前回のカテーテル手術のあとは、
前にも書きましたが、
死の恐怖に2年間は苛まれた、
今回のカテーテル検査を受けてみて感じたことは?

たとえ検査と言えど死の覚悟をもって、
カテーテル検査を受けました。

現実的に死に直面していると言うことで、
今ここに在ると言う言葉が全くもって切実なのです。
イメージの中で死を想定しているのと完全に違うのです。
今にも電車が発車するかの様にアラームが鳴りっぱなし状態です。
死に直面することはギフトそのもの!!
手術台に乗っているのでリラックスしていながら全ての欲望を手放しています。
意識を今この瞬間だけに向けています、
その勢なのか、今この瞬間からのエネルギーの漏れがなく、
気づきの力が何倍にも成るという感じを受けました。
そのため『いま、ここ』の気づきのスペースに留まるのが容易なのです。

検査中にカテーテルが思うように入っていかないことが有ったとしても
不安や恐怖の思考がやって来たとしても、
マインドが不安や恐怖の幻想に入って行こうとするのがハッキリと分かり、
『いまここ』の気づきのすペースに留まることで、
不安や恐怖に巻き込まれなくなります。

とりわけ、今この瞬間に留まる為に役に立ったと感じた瞑想は、
私にとっては、
ハートから音を聴くと言うこと、
今この瞬間に存在する音を聴くのです。
恐怖の思考がやって来たと感じた時でも、
思考(マインド)は去って行きます。

そのことから
身体やマインドに余計な緊張を作り出し、
事態が悪化してしまうことを避けることができる。
そのような体験でした。

正に瞑想に依る成長した気づきの賜物です。感謝!!

10年前には手術後2年間も体験した死の恐怖の原因が分かったようです。
その時は、自分が恐怖の中にいたことさえ気づいていなく、
死ぬか生きるかの緊急事態のまっただ中で恐怖を感じたり、
不安を感じたりすることに気づいているスペースが、
自分の中に全く育っていなかったのでしょう。
そのため、恐怖や不安は生きたいと言う強い想いの中で、
抑圧され退院後に無意識の中に抑圧されたていた恐怖や不安が、
怒濤のように吹き出してきたんだと思います。

今回のカテーテル検査の後は、
全く恐怖も不安も感じることは無かった。
むしろ、気づきの力を経験できた嬉しさから、
以前より元気になって戻ってきました。

今回のカテーテル検査の結果、
2本ある血管のうちの一本は殆ど詰まりかけていて、
残りの一本は血管が細っていて危険、
との結果を頂いたので、
2ヶ月後にカテーテル治療を行います。

しかし、手術するに当たっても以前と違うのは、
死に対する理解がまったく違うので、
今回の治療で体験したことは、
欲望を手放しリラックスすることの中で、
今この瞬間の気づきの中に入って行く、
死と瞑想は、どのような違いもなく同じ現象のようです。
死(瞑想)に対しての興味がますます湧いて来ています!
瞑想は生きたまま死の中に入って行くのですね!
そのコツを手術を通して体験したようです。

命がかかっている、
死に直面している状態での手術なので、
例え死がやって来たとしても、
今ではくつろいで気づいていることの、
大いなるチャンスと捉えています。
今度のカテーテル手術が、
楽しみなのです。

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      Biz uzman ekibimiz ile sizlere en iyi hizmeti vermek için sürekli çalışmaktayız.
      En iyi takipçi beğeni izlenme gibi sizleri üst seviyeye çıkarmak için elimizden geleni
      yaptık ve yapmaya devam edeceğiz. Ucuz Instagram takipçi için bizimle
      de iletişime geçebilirsiniz. Instagram bot takipçi içinde geçebilirsiniz fakat bunlara garanti vermemekteyiz, bot takipçilerin kesinlikle garantisi
      yoktur bir kaç gün içerisinde hepsi Instagram tarafından silinebilir.

      En aktif siteden hemen sende instagram aktif takipçi satın al

    128. Hi! Would you mind if I share your blog with my zynga group?

      There’s a lot of folks that I think would really enjoy your content.

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    129. Shell indir より:

      What’s up, always i used to check web site posts here early
      in the morning, since i enjoy to learn more and more.

    130. Instagram takipçi hizmetlerinden yararlanabilmek amacıyla ilk olarak istenilen hizmetin tercihinin yapılması gerekmektedir.

      Sonra ise shopier ekranında sadece kullanıcı adınız ve 3d
      ödeme yöntemi ile ödeme yapmanız gerekmektedir.

      Burada doğru bulguların girildiğinden emin olunması,
      hizmet yönünden problem yaşamamak amacıyla önemlidir.

      Her yaştaki isteyen herkes Takipçi satın al işlemi
      takip2018 den yapabilirler.

    131. Aw, this was a really good post. Finding the time and actual effort
      to make a superb article… but what can I say… I
      hesitate a whole lot and don’t seem to get nearly anything done.

    132. Instagram hesabını büyüterek onbinlerce seni takip eden olsun istiyorsan instagram takipçi al websitesinden hemen faydalan!

    133. Instagram da artık basit bir halde fenomen olabilirsiniz.
      Takipçilerinizi hızlı ve etken bir şekilde arttırmak istiyor musunuz?
      hemen bu siteye giriş yaparak tüm takipçi hizmetlerinden hızlı bir şekilde faydalanabilirsiniz.

      Sizlere en kaliteli takipçi sistemlerini sunarak, kısa vakit arasında
      istediğiniz kadar takipçi gönderimi yapıyor. Sitede yer alan İnstagram takipçi Satın Al
      hizmetinden faydalanarak arzu ettiğiniz kadar takipçiye ulaşabilirsiniz.

    134. leke kremi より:

      Sivilce ve her türlü cilt tonu lekeleri için hc Leke Kremi
      ile cilt rengi farklılıklarına son !

    135. Türk gerçek ve yabancı gerçek gibi 50k 100k 1m gibi Takipçi Satın Al seçenekleri ile takipçilerini hemen toparla!

    136. Türkiyenin En önde giden Cilt Aydınlatıcı Leke Kremi

      En iyi Leke Kremi Olarak Dünya genelinde
      satış izni bulunan cilt aydınlatıcı leke kremimizi denemeden geçmeyin!

    137. En aktif ve türk gerçek Takipçi Satın Al sitesi olan sitemizden hemen en aktif takipçileri satın al

    138. Ctp ustası, su yalıtımı, ısı yalıtımı gibi bir çok konuda uzman ekibimiz antalya izolasyon olarak size her zaman yardımcı olmaya
      hazır

    139. Leke Kremi より:

      Türkiyenin en iyi leke kremi ile
      cilt lekelerinize son verin.